Don’t be your Partner’s Parent: Build Partnership, Not Parenthood
Are you constantly reminding your partner to pay bills, pick up their socks, or eat healthier?
If you feel more like a parent than a partner, your relationship might be stuck in a toxic dynamic that neither of you signed up for.
Let’s be clear: you’re not their mom or dad. You’re their equal.
In this post, we’ll explore how to recognize the signs of “parenting” your partner, why it erodes intimacy, and how to shift into a healthy adult-to-adult dynamic using tools from Relational Life Therapy (RLT) and the Gottman Method.
The “Parent-Child” Trap in Relationships
It starts innocently: one partner takes more responsibility, the other slacks off a bit. But over time, one person becomes the nagging parent, and the other turns into the rebellious child.
Common Signs You’re “Parenting” Your Partner:
- You constantly correct or micromanage them.
- You feel resentful for always “having to do everything.”
- You make decisions for both of you without input.
- You reward or punish behavior to influence their choices.
This dynamic breeds resentment, resistance, and disconnection. And here’s the kicker—it often happens unconsciously.
Why This Happens (and Why It Doesn’t Work)
According to Relational Life Therapy (RLT), these power imbalances are rooted in our personal histories and outdated survival strategies. When one partner slips into over-functioning (doing too much), the other often under-functions.
In healthy relationships the goal is to create fierce intimacy, where both partners show up as full adults, capable of truth-telling, accountability, and mutual care.
John Gottman identifies this pattern as part of the “Four Horsemen” dynamic, particularly criticism and contempt. When you treat your partner like a child, you’re unintentionally undermining their autonomy—and the emotional safety of your relationship.
Shift from Parent-Child to Partner-Partner
Here’s how to move from a controlling or resentful role into a connected and collaborative one:
1. Ask Instead of Assume
Use open-ended questions. Instead of, “Why didn’t you do the dishes again?” try:
“What’s been going on for you lately? I noticed the dishes are piling up.”
This models emotional curiosity instead of judgment.
2. Share the Impact, Not the Instruction
Using “I” statements avoids blame and invites empathy.
Try: “I feel overwhelmed when I handle all the housework. Can we make a new plan together?”
3. Let Them Be an Adult
Relational Life Therapy stresses that loving confrontation is different from control. Give your partner space to rise to the occasion—even if they do things differently than you would.
4. Stop Keeping Score
It’s not about 50/50. It’s about 100/100—both partners giving their full adult effort when they can, and extending grace when the other can’t.
5. Own Your Part
If you’ve slipped into a parental role, acknowledge it. Real intimacy begins with self-awareness: “I realize I’ve been acting like I need to manage you. That’s not what I want for us.”
The Payoff: Emotional Intimacy Without Power Struggles
- When you stop being your partner’s parent, you create room for mutual respect, sexual attraction, and emotional connection to return.
- You stop nagging.
- You stop nagging
- They stop withdrawing
- You start showing up – fully, honestly, and like adults
As Terry Real says, “You don’t get to be right and connected at the same time. Choose connection.”
Final Thoughts: Choose Partnership Over Parenting
Whether you’re the over-functioning “parent” or the under-functioning “child,” the good news is—you can break the cycle.
It starts with radical honesty, a commitment to emotional maturity, and the courage to treat your partner like an equal.
Because that’s what love really is: not care taking, but co-creating.
Ready to Stop Playing Parent?
If this hit home, share it with your partner or someone who needs to hear it. And if you’re stuck in this cycle and need support, consider couples therapy through the Couples Institute of Colorado for guidance rooted in proven methods like RLT and the Gottman Method. Our licensed therapists can help you build the healthy, adult-to-adult relationship you deserve.
Visit us at: www.couplesinstituteofcolorado.com
Or Schedule an appointment today
7120 East Orchard Rd., Suite 303
Englewood, CO 80111
818-497-7034
